Where do you start when you have to start over? I had to figure that one out by trial and error, and some of what I learned surprised me.

Several years ago, I was displaced after my home in California burned down. As if that wasn’t tough enough, I soon learned that my mother needed brain surgery. I made a decision to move to New York and be there for her, which led to ending a long relationship, one already strained by the recent problems. Needless to say, I had a crash course in dealing with major change.

Each new place has its own peculiar challenges for getting reconnected, and New York is no exception. In fact, there’s so much going on here that it can be hard to find your niche. There’s no automatic way to make friends.

Building New Friendships in a New Place

Family members and old friends had long since left New York. And back in California, I had left behind great friends, many of whom I had known for ages. Although they wanted to be supportive, now that we were in different time zones it was hard even to connect by phone. By the time they could talk in the evening, I was in bed. And if I had a few minutes in the morning, the sun hadn’t risen on the West Coast.

When I landed a full time job as an editor, I quickly suggested getting together with several of the people I met there. But they were either married or committed to various personal endeavors. We saw each other outside the office only once or twice every few months. It took me a while to understand that although people might like me, that didn’t mean that finding time to get together is as high a priority for them as it was for me.

I had also left behind activities I cared about deeply. Walking in nature was always a good way for me to regroup—and seemed a perfect antidote to city life. But I had sold my car, not needing it in Manhattan. Yet, to get out of the city, not having a car was a problem. I was shocked at the cost of renting a car for an overnight stay in the country!

All these obstacles—and my responsibilities—pushed me to my limits. As much as I wanted to get reconnected, it just wasn’t flowing into place. So I had to rethink everything. And strangely, that’s when things started getting better.

To Connect with Friends, Start with Yourself

I learned the vital importance of starting with myself; shifting my perspective and drawing on the things that helped me get centered. For instance, to lift my spirits, and in the absence of people to hang out with, I went to the art supply store and bought myself paints. I would play music, let some inspiration come through, and watch as my initial efforts eventually turned into rich colors and harmonious images. I did the same with photography, letting myself become more aware when I walked around with the camera. In fact, my artwork had become a calming and energizing meditation. Then I decided to approach local galleries; and I got into a couple of group shows, plus an ongoing display at a restaurant.

Accomplishing this made me feel great. But more than that, the real perk was that while I was forgetting about feeling lonely or the problems that brought me here in the first place, something else happened: Showing my work turned out to be the biggest way I got connected in my neighborhood!

I met people who were creative and like-minded—plus they lived in walking distance. Even if they only had time for coffee or a short walk, it was doable. It really proved the importance of starting over with myself first, and letting new acquaintances follow more naturally. I even met someone else who had just started over in New York and was experiencing an empty nest. Both of us were eager to find women to talk to about our lives in a genuine way.

I got more support by following another of my passions—animals. In California I volunteered at a wildlife hospital where I was trained to handle injured hawks, owls, falcons, and other birds that could not return to the wild. Truly awe-inspiring. These birds taught me a lot about adapting to a big transition when I lost my home!)

While I couldn't find a similar opportunity in New York, I did start volunteering twice a month as a guide at the Central Park Zoo. I'm not handling animals, but I am talking about them, and some of the women on my team have become close friends.

Rethink Everything About Winning Friends

I've had to give up the assumption that things should go a certain way. In a new place, sometimes you just have to reinvent yourself. That includes reassessing your strengths, rethinking how you describe yourself, and what you talk about. I examined the qualities I like in myself, the ones I want to invite into my life, and what I need to change.

One day early on, struggling to get down the subway steps with a knee injury, I mumbled to myself in annoyance about how hard—and physical—it was to get around here. Then twice that day—not just once—I walked by two different people who had only one leg! That certainly shut me up. I found it helpful to journal. It helped me empty myself instead of boring some budding acquaintance with my problems. And despite everything, it brought out my sense of humor. (Speaking of that, renting a comedy to watch has also helped me stay afloat and keep my outlook positive.)

New York can move at a manic pace, and if ever there was a place to test my patience, this is it. Being grateful for whatever is going right, however small, (and even before anything has gone right) really helped me turn things around.

For instance, New York may not be a scenic wonderland when it comes to nature, but I’m grateful that it’s only a brief walk to a pier on the river (where I discovered many locals walking their dogs) or a long subway ride to a city beach. (Even a small dose of ocean air is soothing.) In California I grew amazing tomatoes with all the sun and rich soil. Here I bought a tomato plant at the farmer’s market to grow on my mostly sunless balcony. After two months I got just one tomato. At first it was disappointing. But I turned this rather small triumph into a big one. I ate it slowly with great ceremony and it was a richer moment than if I had grown 100 of them. I’m relishing all the little things that can make my day and reset my perspective. And I’m doing the same with whatever amount of connection I have with a friend and find they are more likely to want to get together again.

Now that I’ve changed priorities and accepted the limitations of my situation, I’m having a good time. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it’s happening in that order. In the past week I’ve gone to the beach with one friend, to lunch with another, and for a walk with a third. Of course, it’s been a few years in the making, and now that I work from home it’s anyone’s guess whether I will see a soul I know besides the cashier at the grocery store checkout counter! But I can ride with it better. And anyhow, she may really need a friendly smile amidst a line of hurried shoppers.

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