Divorce can be contagious. According to a study by Dr. James Fowler of the University of California, San Diego, you’re 147 percent more likely to get divorced if you’ve got a divorced friend, rather than if all your friends are still married. But unlike the swine flu or common cold, “catching” divorce fever from a friend can be a good thing. At least it was for my mom.

With a Little Help from Friends

My parents divorced after twenty-seven years of marriage. Although there were many reasons for my mother to leave my dad, she never did, until she befriended a woman called Diane at my college graduation. Mom credited a brief conversation with this woman at a post-graduation party with not just giving her the courage, but the desire to be on her own.

Dianne was a close friend of my roommate’s mom. She’d recently split from her husband after a long marriage. Dianne had the inner glow of a woman who had lost herself in her marriage, and was in the process of rediscovering what she still had to offer the world. My mother saw that, and realized she wanted it, too.

My mom didn’t have much of a social life when she was married. But when she got divorced, other divorced women she had known as acquaintances or colleagues began to reach out to her. Teachers she’d worked alongside of for years now began inviting her to their gatherings, like weekly dinner groups and road trips to concerts at the Hollywood Bowl. These women showed her she could not just survive after divorce, but thrive.

Finding Supportive Friends

I found the same post-divorce glow in a woman named Barbara Kerr when I attended a support group for divorced women on a recent Tuesday night. “I’m in the process of flourishing,” Barbara said upon greeting me, accompanied by a strong handshake and a warm, genuine smile. Barbara radiated energy and confidence, despite the fact she’s in the process of divorcing her husband of thirty years.

She told me the friends she had while she was married are still the friends she has now that she’s separated, although the members of her ex’s family she thought she was close to are no longer in touch. And while she still treasured the friendships she had while she was married, she wanted to branch out and make new friends that had more in common with her. “The positive of divorce is, oh my God, the neat people we’re going to meet!” she said.

Barbara explained that she has turned to the internet to meet like-minded ladies, those who are suddenly single in middle-age, but don’t want a social life that consists of Law and Order re-runs and Lean Cuisine dinners. She’s joined a co-ed billiard league, a wine-and-dine group, and attends a different concert each week with a circle of divorced women she’s met online. Barbara and her new friends are not out socializing to meet men. It’s too soon for that, she says. But at the same time she feels, “I’m putting myself out there.”

Barbara’s blossoming didn’t happen overnight. In fact, it took months of cocooning to reach the point she’s at now. “I didn’t bring people into my life until I was separated nine months,” she said. “I didn’t want to call in friends. I isolated myself. I didn’t want anyone to know until I could get myself together.”

But she finally did reach that point. When she confided in her friends about her situation, they became a wonderful support system. “Most of my girlfriends were there for me. Right there for me,” she said.

I should mention that Barbara was the only regular member to show up to the support group that night, and I probably had something to do the weak attendance. The others in the group had been told by organizer Nancy Fagan that a reporter writing an article about divorce would be showing up. When it became clear that no one else was coming to that night’s meeting, Barbara said we should call it a night. Her billiard group was meeting up later, and she thought she’d head over a bit early for a drink.

Losing Supportive Friends

After Barbara left, I had a chance to talk with Nancy one-on-one. She’s an expert on divorce, and not just because she’s gone through one herself. She’s a licensed therapist, and founder of “The Divorce Help Clinic” in San Diego, where she helps mediate couples through the divorce process. She switched from counseling women in troubled marriages to helping them plan their divorce when she realized most women had already given up on the marriage by the time their husbands had agreed to go into couples’ therapy.

Nancy tells me she had a very different experience from Barbara when she split with her first husband about 15 years ago. Her young son was just five-years-old. Friends she had counted on for support during her marriage suddenly headed for the hills. “All my relationships changed or ended for no good reason. It was devastating,” she says, shaking her head at the memory.

Nancy believes she lost so many friends when her marriage ended because they just got tired of listening to her cry about the same thing over and over. Virtually all of her pals were still married, and couldn’t relate to what she was going through. More importantly, they didn’t want to try. Nancy realized it was time to find some new friends who had more in common with her. She began to seek out and befriend other divorced women.

It was this experience that inspired Nancy to start the divorce support group she now runs every Tuesday night--to help other women navigate the post-divorce world. How to maintain friendships. How to handle it when friends head for the hills. How to meet new people. “It’s like driving through the fog at night,” Nancy explained to me. “You have to go through it to reach the end of the road. I help them see the light.”

The Internet has been revolutionary in helping women going through divorce to find others experiencing the same thing, according to Nancy. There are all sorts of different websites that help divorced women connect. Because you don’t want to overwhelm your family and friends with your divorce trauma, Nancy says, “Find other women who have an equal need to bond over an ended marriage, and build a new friendship through the shared experience.”

My mother, Barbara, and Nancy showed me that divorce may feel like the end of the world, but it doesn’t have to be. In fact, it can be the beginning of a whole new life.

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