A New Family Friend, or Maybe New-to-the-Family

My brother Daniel and I both met Whitney at the same time; she was our kid sister Tina’s college roommate, and had come to stay with us for a weekend.

Tina told all of us how great Whitney was, and Daniel and I were both instantly smitten with Whitney (it probably helped that we were both equally smitten with our little sister Tina too, and thus, if she liked you, chances were good that we’d like you too).  The girls weekend that Whitney and Tina planned quickly morphed into a “Wilson Family Weekend” because we all so enjoyed the two of them (mom and dad quickly jumped aboard the Whitney fan wagon), and honestly, wouldn’t let them leave us to enjoy any of their planned girl activities.

While my crush faded over time to just a normal adoration shared between friends, Daniels’ fascination only intensified through the years. In fact, Daniel and Whitney celebrated their 10-year anniversary last fall.

They got divorced 4 months later.

We were all heart-broken.

Changing Your Status from Family to Friend

That was 6 months ago and things have been strange ever since. None of us, my sister, nor my parents or I, know how to handle Whitney’s changed status from wife, sister- and daughter-in law, to ... what?  She is still the mother to our grandchildren and nieces, but she isn’t invited to family gatherings anymore. She is still a great and reliable friend, but one whom I now hesitate before calling. And she is still a favorite of my parents, who I’m pretty sure like her more than they like any of their own children—seriously.  

So here is the question: Do you have to end a relationship, a friendship, with a sister-in-law just because your brother has ended his marriage with her?

My initial and strongest reaction is “Yes, family loyalty precludes a friendship, that’s it, end of story, nothing more to say.”

But the other part of me, the part of me that remembers when Whitney took my kids for an entire weekend when I suddenly came down with the flu and my husband was away on his annual poker trip; and the part of me that remembers that Whitney is the one who makes the best, and I mean have-daydreams-about-the-stuff best, peach ice cream this side of Atlanta; and, of course, the part of me who remembers the countless conversations we’ve shared about boys, and breasts (as it pertains to feeding and subsequent location of), and babies, and you name it, we’ve held a conversation about it, it is those parts of me that say, “Of course not. They are completely separate relationships.”

The honest to God truth is that I’ve missed this woman terribly over the last 6 months. I miss my friend, and so do all the other members of my family, except for my brother (and he probably misses her too, even if he and she don’t want to be married to each other anymore). And I want her to be a part of my life still—she is and has been one of my dearest friends for the better part of the last two decades. She and I have no issues between us, nor have we ever had a sour word between us. Of course, the same can be said about my relationship with my brother, no issues and no cross words, just a lot of fun all around.

I see my brother all of the time, we are a close-knit family who all live within 10 miles of each other, so we spend a lot of time together. And now that Daniel is living on his own, I see him a ton more, especially around suppertime.  As one who hates to eat alone, I completely understand and encourage him to come as often as he can, and all the better when he has his kids.

But I Miss My Friend

Because he is around a lot, we get the chance to talk casually and freely and privately fairly often. Although the talked seemed spontaneous to Daniel, as though I’d just happened on the subject, I’d actually practiced and rehearsed my words and wording for days. I told Daniel of my sadness over missing Whitney; I waxed poetic about my emptiness and sorrow over the seemingly sudden end to this vital relationship; and I explained my sympathy to all involved. But in the end it was obvious that I was asking Daniel for his permission to continue my friendship with his ex-wife. “We aren’t married anymore” is all that Daniel said before continuing his stroll to our shed to retrieve tools we’d borrowed seasons before. Maybe this is just a selfish phase that will pass with time, but I got the point pretty darn clearly—Whitney and I were to be friends no more, at least as far as Daniel was concerned.

Like a woman arranging a rendezvous with a secret lover, I scheduled a meeting with Whitney to talk about our new status. I asked her to meet me at  “It’s a Grind” instead of Starbucks, because the lighting is worse, the coffee is better, and because, honestly, it offers that clandestine vibe I was seeking.  Once we had coffee in cup, along with equal parts of too much creamer and sugar, we took our seats and I began my to deliver the same structured speech that I’d delivered to Daniel a week earlier. I concluded with, “So, what do you think?” and sat back to wait for the outpouring I was sure I’d receive from my longtime pal.

I have to admit, that I was a bit stunned and a bit hurt actually, when Whitney stated very matter-of-fact that, “Daniel is right.” Seems that when her marriage ended, Whitney assumed that her relationships with her ex-husband’s family would too. This wasn’t what she would have chosen, and she is indeed sad about it, she said, but that “these are the rules,” family stays with family, and she isn’t family anymore. She said that in the process of steeling herself for her physical break from her husband, she’d also steeled herself for her break from us, from me.

I’ve definitely heard accounts of this situation working out differently, with sisters and sister-in-laws happily continuing friendships, with relationships silently and awkwardly slipping away into nothingness, with families squabbling over allegiances and loyalty, but that didn’t happen in our case.  I asked and was told in no uncertain terms that, for the sake of family, my friendship with my brother’s ex was over.

It didn’t matter what I wanted in this situation, the most important players were setting the rules, and honestly, this is how it should be.  I’d thought that Daniel was being selfish, but a few days after my talk with Whitney, I’d realized that perhaps I was the one who should have that label applied—at least in this situation. Luckily, Daniel and Whitney agreed to the same rules, and so these were the rules that we were going to use in this situation.

It is so ironic how similar Whitney and Daniel are, and how well they get along. Who knows, maybe they’ll get remarried one day … and I’ll get my friend back!