It Happens: Friends Do Fight:

Sometimes, just when life is going along swimmingly and all seems right in the world, the waters get a bit turbulent. Two friends clash, two of your dearest friends, and your fun and pleasant world gets wavy. So what is the proper course of action when such unpleasantness occurs? Do you get involved or do you stay clear of the potential storm?

Judy borrowed Samantha’s great, little black dress and, after a trip to the dry cleaner, returned it with a large bleach spot, telling Sam she was sorry, but that she should “get in touch with the dry cleaners for restitution.” Sam is fuming that her friend would return her property with such an unsightly blemish and no offer to compensate her.

At the last minute, Sally backed out of plans for a girls’ getaway due to an unexpected work conflict—one for which she volunteered. Now Joan is left picking up the total cost of the trip, and is irate.

Situations like the ones above happen all of the time. Some experts—in fact many experts—say that you should remain neutral and out of the way when friends argue, letting the two friends work the differences and disagreements out on their own. And in most instances, when a problem can be quickly cleared up with a good old sit-down, that is probably sound advice.

But what happens when the air doesn’t get cleared and the laundry is still dirty weeks and months later, or when you actually side with one of the friends over the other? It is a very uncomfortable situation in which to find yourself, but unfortunately it is one that does happen with some regularity.

You’re Involved in this Friendship, Like it or Not:

We’ve all heard the advice, “mind your own business” when it comes to disagreements between friends. But, regardless of what others say and what our instincts tell us, we somehow find ourselves right smack in the middle of a conflict. This happens because, simply, the two friends are part of your world, and when two major elements of a world collide, you feel those effects.

First, you feel bad. You see your friends hurting and that never feels good, so you “want” to help. In addition, this blow-up absolutely affects your social life. Now instead of the threesome for brunch that you are used to enjoying, you have to choose whom to invite—one or the other, but not both. Or, when the event is a bigger, such as a book club meeting, perhaps both friends decide to attend. But typically the ensuing tension makes it awkward and unpleasant for everyone. And finally, in some cases, you may just happen to have an opinion about the disagreement. Try as you might not to take sides, upon hearing from both parties, you actually agree that one friend is in the wrong and honestly has a responsibility to correct or repair the situation.

Although I am no expert in mediation or negotiation, here’s my formula for how to assist—or rather how to be a good friend—even when your friends aren’t doing such a good job being “friendly” with each other.

Rules for Dealing with Conflict in a Friendship:

Rule 1: State your neutrality and intention upfront.
It is important to tell your buddies from the start that you are helping because you care, and because their difficulty also affects you; that your goal is to remain neutral, but ultimately to help each of them hear and understand the position of the other.

Rule 2: Each side gets a fair shake.
Most disagreements and conflicts are really about mis-communication and feelings of disrespect. One person did something, took some action, to which the other takes offense. The problem arises when one party feels terribly slighted and the other terribly judged, so much so that neither one is willing or capable of hearing the other. This is where you can really provide assistance. By allowing each party to tell their side and explain themselves in a supportive, rather than defensive atmosphere, a third friend can be a great aid to successfully repairing the strained friendship.

Rule 3: Everyone agrees to the facts and the problem.
This is really a critical rule, because it ensures that everyone is on the same page and that everyone has been heard and is understood. As stated above, once all the facts are sorted, the problem is typically solved quickly. However, if the disagreement persists, the problem is probably more about values and beliefs than about mis-communication. This is where things can get sticky, but at least, by following this rule, all will have a clear understanding of just what the issue is. And if you can get agreement on one thing, there is a good chance you can get agreement on others too.

Rule 4: If you disagree, say so.
Here is the deal, when someone does something hurtful or harmful to you or a friend, it is absolutely okay to tell them that you don't agree with their behavior—in fact I recommend it. Nine times out of 10, if you tell someone that you don’t agree with or like their behavior, they’ll change it. People are not all that complicated. Besides feeling misunderstood and sometimes slighted, generally people don’t mean to hurt or harm, they just aren’t seeing things from the other’s perspective. And when you give them “your” perspective, explain how you are seeing things, whether they agree with it or not, they will respect it.

And here is the other reason … because it matters. It sets precedence about what is okay and what is not okay in your world. If you allow someone’s poor behavior in one setting (with your friend on the receiving end), then there really isn’t a reason to believe you won’t be seeing that behavior again (perhaps this time with you on the receiving end of its unpleasantness). People often say, “Don’t rock the boat.” I absolutely think there is a time to give a boat a good dose of rocking, especially when it comes to setting boundaries and supporting a friend.

Hugging it Out:

In 99.9% of cases, two adults who happen to find themselves on opposite ends of an issue will be able to smoothly and successfully work out their differences without the need of any help from their friends. They are adults after all and their relationships are ultimately their responsibility. I get this. But, in those rare instances where you see that two otherwise good friends aren’t going to be able to easily navigate their conflict, it is wonderful if a friend can lend a “mediating” hand. It is nice, it is supportive, and it is loving.

Every once in a while, being a good friend means getting involved, getting dirty with a problem, and helping your friends work out a difficult conflict. Friendship isn’t only about being a “good time Charline”, sometimes it is about being a great source of support, whether that support shows itself in the form of listening, of helping to settle disagreements, or in setting boundaries with others.

Agree or completely disagree or have better advice? Tell me about it in the comment section below.