My heart was broken; we'd been together for so long; it was inconceivable that this could happen. She was my best friend, and she'd left me for someone else.

Finding the One: Your Best Friend

For most of us, although the setting isn't anything spectacular, generally, it is accompanied by a "particular" feeling, a knowing, a recognition of some kind that this isn't just an ordinary conversation, a standard introduction, or an everyday encounter. And while the setting might not partition itself as one out of the ordinary, there simply isn't anything "standard" about the event, because it isn't everyday that you meet your best friend.

When I met my best friend, I was relatively new at work, and given that my company was rather large, it was still normal that I'd meet new folks from new divisions just about every day. On this particular day, after having sat through a painfully long and painfully boring meeting, in a particularly stuffy conference room, I found myself in a cluster of co-workers rehashing the "important" take-aways from the CEO's message. Whispers and wisecracks filled the voids in the actual conversation, and one in particular caught my attention, because I spoke it and heard it simultaneously. Seems the gal from marketing, the one with the cute shoes I'd admired in-between chair legs in the meeting, and I had the same smart retort to share and did so in unison. Yep, this shameless, sophomoric, smart-alec behavior was the bud to our flowering friendship.

A coffee grab, turned into lunches, turned into happy hours, turned into hundreds upon hundreds of phone calls, emails, and instant messages about a new love, or a new pair of boots, or the possibility of a new job title. When I bought my first house, I only did so with her blessing, because, well, she was smarter than me in this area. When she decided to marry, she only did so with my blessing, well, because she again, was smarter in this area and knew if she didn't at least pretend to get my permission, she'd suffer for it. She had a child and I, of course, was the godmother. I got a puppy, and she of course, was the godmother. We even signed papers to legalize our new responsibilities. Years, turned to more years, turned into another marriage (mine), another child (hers) and a divorce (hers, again). And through it all, or at least our 20's and our 30's (we mutually agreed never to turn 40), she was my dearest friend, my prized possession.

Your Best Friend's New Best Friend

When you meet someone new, and they excite you, you simply can't help but involuntarily burst them and their name into conversations that otherwise, would have no connection to said new person. You slip their name in here and there ("Oh, and this new gal Kathy, she said ..."), you script a new dialogue ("Harry and I"), you pop a mention of them into moments of silence ("Ha, that reminds me of something funny that Sophie did.") And so it happened that I learned of my best friend's new friendship with Claire. Her name was coming up with a tinge more regularity than any of our other friends' names (and of course, we each had other friends, some mutual, some not - some new, some ancient), and with an ever so slightly bit of more enthusiasm than other names did.

I admit it; I liked Claire when I first met her. Cute, fun, funny, smart, nice, warm, seemed generous and thoughtful (she offered me her jacket when she thought I looked cold).

Okay so skip ahead a few months - probably six - and now Claire is a regular fixture in my best friend's life and I am not so much. Because of the amount of time that Claire and my best friend share together (their kids are in school together, they are both single, and they play on the same tennis team), they have time to talk about "issues." They are already together at matches and single mixers so why not share and offer support for the latest achievement or heartache. Familiarity breeds friendliness, and when you see someone over and over wearing outfits that scream your name, you ask were they shop and set up a time to tour the racks together.

So now when I call about the half yearly sale at Nordstrom, I find out that she and Claire have already been, and I should definitely go because "it is a good one this year." "But," I think, "I don't want to go alone - I want you to go with me, we go every year." And when I call to see who is hosting the annual Super Bowl party, I learn that Claire is hosting, and she is inviting Joan's ex-husband who she met at the last mixer, and that will be awkward because Joan and you run together, so perhaps we can do something next week." "But," I think, "I don't want to do something next week, the Super Bowl is this week, and we do the Super Bowl every year."

Yes - the Friendship Died

And I don't need to go on with example after example of how our friendship choked. I will tell you that it was my 45th birthday, and yes, I was admitting to my 40's now since I no longer had anyone to back me up when I claimed I was only 38. So, as usual, I had a roast in the oven, a bottle on the counter breathing, and a cake with way too many candles threatening to trigger the fire alarm. My husband and I were so busy getting everything set that neither of us heard the phone until the machine picked-up.

"Hey, it's me! Happy Birthday to the hottest 38 year old in town! Hey, please don't be mad, but Claire just called and she has tickets to the show tonight, and you know how much I want to see it and how hard tickets are to come by, and so I'm gonna have to miss dinner tonight. So let's do lunch tomorrow instead. I'll swing by and we can eat leftovers. Okay, thanks for the invite, and H-a-p-p-y-B-i-r-t-h-d-a-y!"

We never spoke again. I'd been dumped a lot of times in my life, but this one honestly was the most brutal, it hurt the worst. I think I would have felt better if we'd actually had a fight or some kind of altercation (you know, like she caught me stealing her Vicodin, or I caught her hitting on my nephew). But none of that happened. Instead she simply chose someone else over me. Their lives synced better, they had more in common than we did now, and she was honestly having more fun with the new one. And I guess the biggest reason was that she just wasn't committed to keeping our friendship at its high level. Because, honestly, it takes effort to keep someone that you don't see routinely as a prime factor in your life, to regularly call, to see each other even when it isn't convenient, to be the Gayle to your Oprah.

Like one who has been beaten in romantic love, I've not ventured into best friend land again yet. I'm cautious now, a bit jaded. I think about it, and have even secretly interviewed a few prospects, but so far, none are up to the task, none have that spark. But I keep looking and am hopeful still, because, as we all know, at times there is nothing better than having a great friend.