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But I'm Still "Me," Aren't I? |
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As defined in Webster's Dictionary, widowhood is characterized as:
"(Someone) who is made to be widowed by or through the loss of a spouse and who has not remarried."
However, in what we call, "Widow World," widowhood is defined as:
“A ‘club’ which absolutely none of us willingly joined and with which none of us cares to be associated; as well as a state of being that will upend and change the rest of your life as you know it."
One of the most common observations that I receive from widows (generally voiced in the form of complaint) is something to the effect of:
- "Since my husband died, all of my/our friends have forgotten my husband and 'disappeared.' “
- "I haven't changed, but everyone around me is treating me differently."
- "No one brings up the subject of my husband, but I need to. Why doesn't anyone understand that?"
While people haven’t “forgotten” your husband, it is much easier for everyone else to “move on” with their lives than it is for you. The fact is that others are not going to be affected by the loss of your husband in the same profound way as you are, for one obvious reason—they aren't the widow. Absolutely no one is going feel this loss in the same way you do. Furthermore, it is a general fact of life that people are uncomfortable with the topic of loss, and simply don’t know what to say to you. (When people forgot that the words, “I’m so sorry.” are truly sufficient, I do not know.)
It is also an unfortunate fact that some of the people you once believed to be friends (or even family!) may no longer be a regular part of your life, for a myriad number of reasons. Some may be uncomfortable being around you now that your husband is no longer here. Others may take aim at and/or criticize you with the manner in which you have chosen to deal with and handle your healing journey. Most disappointing are those who believe that now that you are widowed, you have suddenly transformed into a scheming "mantrap," ready to pounce on unsuspecting and innocent boyfriends, husbands, or significant others. (Seriously.)
Relationships, Friendships, Healing, & HappinessLet's go over some quick tips on how to handle your healing journey as it pertains to relationships, friendships, and most importantly, your ultimate healing and happiness:
• It is difficult to let go of friendships or relationships on which you may have once heavily counted—but in situations where people around you are not going to be a supportive and uplifting part of your healing journey for whatever reason … let go, you must. You have had enough "negative" in your life and if those around you are not willing to be part of your healing process in a positive way—they do not get to be a part of your "process" … period.
• Your "real" friends and family will never "disappear,” however, they will move forward with their lives and they will be able to do sooner than you. Remember what we just discussed—they aren't the widow and just as no one can expect you to be "over" the loss of your husband in an especially speedy manner, you cannot expect others to grieve the loss of your husband in the same way that you do.
• It can feel horribly lonely and very strange to see everyone going about their daily business when your world has come to a screeching halt. After the funeral is over and the thank-you notes are written, everyone else's life goes on, and you are left behind to pick up the pieces of a shattered life all by yourself. Understand that many people want to give you space and time to begin healing … or perhaps just let you get some well-deserved rest. These same people are not going to want to bother you with daily phone calls or visits, instead leaving it up to you to contact them. So go ahead and take the initiative—it's okay! If you are feeling lonely or "abandoned," pick up the phone and call someone for a cup of coffee, or for dinner, or for a walk around the neighborhood. Let others know that you wouldn’t mind a bit of company. Yes, this should absolutely fall to others to do, however, think about this—have you ever said to a friend, “We have to get together for lunch,” and then it never happens? Here’s the deal … if it’s not written down on a certain date at a certain time, it’s not going to happen. In other words, “sometime” and “someday” are not days of the week—make the plans!
• Do not ever be afraid to talk about your husband! You may be the one that needs to put others at ease, because people don’t want to upset you by bringing up the subject of your husband’s absence. If you want to talk about him—go ahead and talk about him! People will take their cues from you and if you are fine talking about him (especially if you’re smiling while you’re doing it), they will be comfortable with talking about him as well.
• Even though you still feel like "you" on the inside (i.e. "I haven't changed; what is up with everyone else?!"), the fact is that you have changed. You are not the same person that you were when you were standing up in the big white dress exchanging vows with the person who is no longer by your side. The experience called widowhood changes you forever, and while the circumstances are certainly tragic, much of that change inside of you is for the good. Most do not ever get to discover the depths of their strength, their mettle, and their resolve to recover from what may very well be the most tragic experience of their lives. You not only have that knowledge, you must take comfort in that knowledge.
Most importantly, don't simply reach "out" for help … reach up for help! Reach up to those who have gone before you, those who will be only too happy to listen to your stories, your challenges, and your fears. Reach up to those who will celebrate your triumphs in healing, no matter how large or seemingly small. Reach up to those who will let you know how much they care and who will give you ideas and suggestions on how to make your journey into a new life as peaceful as possible. Reach up to some of the best "new" friends that you will ever know. They are each waiting to embrace you with open hearts—because those of us in "Widow World" not only understand ... we will never "disappear".
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Empty Nest Friendships
My New Year’s Resolution!
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What Would I Do Without You? |
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Franklin D. Roosevelt is quoted as saying: “When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” And I have found that when facing challenges in our lives, it’s nice to know that you have true friends who will not only throw you the rope, but help you tie the knot.
Female Support
The one thing that we—as women—need is a solid support group. And sometimes you can stumble upon these magnificent people during the most unusual time in your life, in the most unforeseen places. I found mine right on the street where I’ve lived for the past 15 years.
When I first learned that my husband had been unfaithful, I was—to put it mildly—devastated. I thought that nothing or no one in the world could comfort me and make me feel whole again. Who was I if I wasn’t someone’s wife … his wife? All I could do was wonder how I was ever going to make it through this unimaginable situation.
Sure, I had friends; but then come to think of it, they were our friends, not my friends. What would happen to those relationships? Could I even speak with them about what he had done to me? Would they take sides? Too quickly I learned the answers to my questions. They enjoyed being friends with us, but not just me. And coincidentally, not just him. When that realization hit me, I was bombarded with a whole new set of questions.
It’s a sad but true fact that many times when you are divorced by your spouse, you end up being divorced by your friends as well. Neither you nor your husband can apply for “custody” of the friends that were made as a result of your union. But how and why can someone you shared intimate feelings, vacations, the birth of your grandchildren, heartbreaks and laughter with suddenly disappear from your life?
I believe their “disappearing act” is the result of a number of issues:
- They might be afraid that divorce is contagious. Maybe their union isn’t as solid as they try to make others believe. Maybe my friends were afraid their husbands would get cheating lessons from mine.
- Even though you’ve never given them any reason, they may feel like you’re going to try to take their husband. Married women often times see single women as a threat, so they choose not to keep them close.
- They just don’t know what to say to you. Similar to when someone dies, what do you say to their loved ones? “I’m so sorry” just doesn’t seem like enough.
- They feel like they already have enough going on in their busy lives to take the time to comfort a friend, no matter how close they were. This one probably hurts the most.
So as the invitations, phone calls and emails went from occasional to nonexistent, part of me was saddened by the loss, yet another part was angered by the perceived betrayal. I had been dumped by my husband and my friends, and I struggled to decide which bothered me more.
But sometimes, life takes your lemons and showers you with lemonade. My lemonade was Melanie Benson and her whole nutty, fabulous family. (Keep in mind here that I had lived on our street—in 3 different houses—for close to 15 years; she had lived there for about 8.)
During that time, my husband and I had only spoken to Mel and her husband Doug one time, when they stopped by the day we moved into our third house. They stopped by to share a glass of wine and welcome us to the neighborhood. They didn’t even know that we had been on the street longer than they had!
When the “For Sale” sign went up in our front yard, Melanie stopped me on the street to ask why we were moving. When learning of our impending divorce, her concern was immediate and pure. And since that moment, that concern and friendship has never faltered.
Virtually overnight, we became the closest of friends, having grown from a simple nod or wave “hello” when passing each other on the street to sharing everything, including our families. Little did we know how this friendship would be tested.
A few months later, word came that my daughter and her husband were both being sent to war and I was to become sole caregiver to my 2-year old grandson. I guess it wasn’t enough that I was suddenly a single grandmother, trying to hold on to my home and changing careers; I needed a toddler to care for when I wasn’t even sure I could care for myself!
Sensing my struggle, Melanie and her whole family pitched in to ease my burden. They babysat my grandson, included us in their family outings and treated us, basically, like one of their own. But my “test” wasn’t over yet. A few months later I was struck with a rare condition known as radial nerve palsy which paralyzed my right arm. God never gives us more than we can handle?
Enter Melanie and her family, once again. At times, when I was so frustrated and thought I couldn’t go on, they would intervene and take my grandson out for pizza to give me some quiet time. They never knew it, but whenever they would take Marcus to dinner or the park or anywhere to give me some rest, I would break down in tears the moment they left.
Tears of frustration overwhelmed me, and tears of relief that these amazing people had come into my life comforted me. Whatever you want to call it, there were tears, and lots of them. Some were tears brought on by sheer and utter exhaustion (both physical and mental) and others by pure, unadulterated gratitude.
Sometimes I was so exhausted that Mel and Sophie gave my grandson a bath, then put both him and me to bed, because I had fallen asleep on the couch or the living room floor. One day when I had to work and Marcus’ daycare was closed, I asked Mel’s daughter Sophie to babysit for him for the entire day. Sometime during the afternoon, Marcus received a call from his daddy in Iraq. Most times, this made him very happy; this time, it did not. For some reason, when Marcus finished talking to his daddy, he had what only can be called a meltdown.
When he hung up the phone, he began to cry hysterically. He could not be comforted. Sophie has “a way” with Marcus and if she couldn’t calm him down, something was really bothering him. Well, she got so distraught at how hard he was crying and the fact that nothing she did could comfort him, that she began crying too.
After a few minutes (that probably seemed like an eternity to her) she became so upset that she called her mom. They live just a few doors down, so Mel immediately came over and attempted to comfort Marcus and her daughter. She eventually did, but when I came home, everyone was in tears, including me because I was so touched by their caring.
I literally discovered a secret vault filled with friends I never knew existed. Neighbors, who I had barely spoken to previously, became my best and most trusted friends. Acquaintances became—and remain—close friends. Friendships were forged in every area of my life and unfortunately, somewhere along the way, some bonds were fractured as well.
Great Friends
I am still amazed at the lengths they went to in their support of me when I needed it most, with a shoulder to cry on, a companion to laugh with, people who in my deepest, darkest hour saw and felt my depression and did anything and everything they could to bring me out of it.
And I’m not talking about the “friends” who said “If you need anything, someone to watch Marcus when you need a break, I’m here for you.” Most of them, I’m sure, were silently hoping I wouldn’t ever take them up on their offer. I’m referring to the true friends who will endure a Saturday afternoon at Chuck E. Cheese’s to help you out … who never treat you as a third (or fifth) wheel … who will help you to find the strength that can somehow get buried during hard times.
If you’re feeling alone, venture out; you might just find your lemonade stand right down the street.
"A friend is like a good bra: hard to find, comfortable, supportive, always lifts you up, makes you look better, never lets you down or leaves you hanging, and always close to your heart." ~Author: Unknown
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A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad. ~John Andrew Holmes
Empty Nest Mom
Ah, the empty nest mom! She is the ultimate picture of contradiction. For years she pushed, she prodded, she worked around the clock to mold and shape her little darlings into real people . . . people of whom she could be proud. Then, just about the time she had them looking, acting and smelling like adults . . . they flew the coop!
Now she’s free! Free to redecorate the nest, to nudge herself over the edge, or to do a little flying of her own. She’s finally in a place where she can rediscover her likes and dislikes, her dreams and abilities. Why then, does she struggle?
Becoming an empty nester is tricky. It’s an awesome, amazing, freeing, terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad time . . . filled with ups and downs, ins and outs. You’re struggling to balance those delicious feelings of freedom with the grief of watching your children make their way into the world—without you! Talk about a conundrum!
Think about the mama bird and her young. She works tirelessly to nudge her babes from the nest, pushing them beyond their limits. She’s thrilled when they succeed. But the moment those little darlings take to flight, she has second thoughts. “Wait a minute!” she cries out. “Hold on! I wanted you to fly, but I didn’t mean for you to fly away!”
Poor mama bird. She sits in the nest, bemoaning the fact that her task—for the most part, anyway—is complete. She’s worked herself out of a job. And now she is faced with the lingering question: “What have I done?” She mothered so well that she’s left to suffer the consequences, whether she’s psychologically prepared or not.
Chances are pretty good you can relate to that mama bird. As a mother, your world has been wrapped up in caring for your children. You sewed costumes for their ballet recitals, paid for guitar lessons, helped with homework, drove the carpool, spent countless hours at ballgames and other sporting events. In short, you gave up your very life for them.
And now they’re gone. The ever-present sound of video games echoes in your mind, but the house is silent. There are no tennis shoes to trip over, no stinky laundry to toss into the washer, and no arguments to squelch. The sound of your daughter’s voice chattering on the phone is only a distant memory and you find yourself missing the hum of text messages coming through.
Embracing Change
Yep. Watching those children fly away can be tough. But it can also be freeing!
Suddenly you have your time back! You can set your own schedule, something that was impossible with a house full of kids. Those dreams you pressed to the back burner? You can pull them out again, dust them off, and look for the possibilities. You can travel! Take dance lessons! Join a bowling league. Go on weekend getaways. Take a vacation! You can begin to focus once again on nurturing yourself—physically, spiritually, and emotionally. In short, you can take care of you for a change!
And what about re-connecting with your girlfriends? Your friendships are more important than ever during the empty nest years. You’re going to need those friends . . . and vice-versa. So, who are you close to? Who knows you, inside and out? During this period of your life, you’re going to need like-minded (and not so like-minded) women to see you through.
Your girlfriends are the best cure for what ails you during the empty nest years. Who else knows what you’re going through? Who’s there to wrap a sympathetic arm around your shoulder, or to listen to you tell and re-tell stories about your child’s road-trip to college? Your girlfriends, that’s who. And this is the perfect opportunity to redefine your relationship with them.
Just one word of caution: It’s so important to keep your friendships in balance during the empty nest years. Don’t spend all of your time talking about your kids in front of your friends (to the point where they become disinterested). If there are long silences at the table or if there are rolled eyes when you’re talking about your kids, there might be a problem.
When you are seated around the lunch table with girlfriends, the greatest way to strike a balance is to find the quietest person at the table and ask, “So how are things going with you?” In other words, turn your focus. Don’t be a “needy” friend (unless you’re truly in need, and even then you probably need to seek help from a counselor as well as a trusted friend). And if you’re struggling with a friend who is too needy (perhaps another empty nester), it might be time to take a step back. All things in balance, Mom!
This is what Jean had to say: I’ve always had a great group of girlfriends, and we all went through empty nest together. After awhile, though, we noticed that our conversations were always about the kids. We decided we needed a change, so we put together a plan of action. Now, once a year, we all take a trip together. We go to a bed and breakfast, usually. Often in some small town no one’s heard of. In short, we get away from things . . . together. That gives us a lot more to talk about! We now spend much of our “together” time talking about last year’s trip or planning for next year’s!
Don’t you love that! The empty nest season is the perfect time to broaden your horizons with your girlfriends. Instead of sitting around commiserating about your children, go to the theater together. Grab a friend by the hand and take a dance class. Join a photography group. The possibilities are endless.
No, your girlfriends won’t ever take the place of your children. They aren’t meant to. But they will dry your tears when you’re weepy and give you a swift kick when you need to keep going.
So, what are you waiting for, mama bird? It’s time to fly!
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The Key to Meeting Men? A Friend!
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The Key to Meeting Men? A Friend! |
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Let’s face it: dating is tough, and will challenge even the most confident woman. Who hasn’t felt ill at ease on a date with a man you hardly know, or felt too intimidated to strike up a conversation with that hottie at your gym? And you’ve probably tried different ways to meet men, from the perils of dating at the office to the adventures of dating online. These methods can work, but as you know, they have obvious downsides.
To make things even more challenging, these days most of us women aren’t exposed to that many men in our everyday lives. As I discuss in It's Not Him, It's YOU, we work at the same office all week long, live in the same neighborhood for years, and go to yoga classes filled with women. And unless you happen to have a parade of cute, single men marching through your office, apartment building, or yoga class on a regular basis, your odds of meeting Mr. Right aren’t all that great!
So you’ve probably wondered: Where do I go to meet men? And is there a way to meet men that’s less pressured, more natural, and more fun? Well, in fact there is! And the key ingredient to make it happen is to bring along another woman!
A Great Way to Meet Men
If you’re single, one of the best ways to meet new men is to break out of your routine and go have fun with another woman. Have you ever wanted to take a mountain biking class, attend a masquerade ball at the art museum, or go to a baseball game, but didn’t feel comfortable going alone? Each of these activities will have single men there, so it’s time to find another woman and go do it!
Here’s why this method of meeting men works so well:
You get exposure. Getting out and doing fun things on a regular basis drastically increases your chances of meeting interesting men. Why? Because single men go out for the same reasons you do: to enjoy themselves and to meet women. You’ll meet new men at every event you go to, and the more men you meet, the more likely you are to get dates!
You’re not alone. When you have a female friend to accompany you, you are much more likely to get out of the house and try something new, especially if you know men will be there. Your female buddy acts as a source of motivation and support, and with her, you’ll feel less nervous or conspicuous at a social event than you would by yourself. Overall, by having a friend with you, you’ll feel more comfortable, and when you’re relaxed and having fun, you’re more attractive to men!
No pressure. Singles, whether male or female, tend to have better dating success when they meet in a low-pressure environment where they can be themselves and get to know someone before going out on a date with them. What’s more pressure-free than a hobby or social event where you can focus on having fun or learning, rather than whether you have food on your face or if he’ll call you tomorrow? And if you do meet someone, staying socially active takes the pressure off that too—hey, if he doesn’t call, there are tons more out there!
Better screening. Meeting men at social events allows you to get to know them a little before dating becomes an issue. You’ll get a good sense of who he is and whether there’s any chemistry—and you don’t have to worry about him not looking like his online photo!
So it’s time to grab a girl pal, find some events in your area, and get out there! You can go anywhere, as long as it’s something you both might enjoy and somewhere men might be.
The Four Best Places to Meet Men
Here are four tried-and-true social venues to meet men:
1. Outdoor clubs and activities. If you’re active, you will most certainly meet men if you get outside. Outdoor sports are male-dominated, so men are always psyched when women show up to these activities! Find your local hiking, cycling, running, backpacking, ultimate Frisbee, or ski club; find out when their next meeting is; and bring an active friend along.
2. Local networking groups. Most cities have organized happy hours for professionals looking to promote their business and to meet new people, especially the latter. There are even events for specific types of professional groups, such as Ivy League alumni or entrepreneurs. Most attendees are single and it’s a good place to meet other professional men. Find a career-oriented woman and bring her with you.
3. Cultural events. Art galleries, museums, zoos, and other cultural organizations hold social events to generate business. These venues are nice because they provide a conversation starter (e.g. “Do you think this piece is worth $5,000?”). I once went to a sushi-and-art party hosted by my local art museum, and met a lot of interesting men. Art walks in your town’s art district are also fun.
4. Speed-dating. Knowing your buddy is there with you will make it less nerve-wracking, and you can compare notes when it’s over!
One rule of thumb: Whatever social activity you choose, try to bring only one friend with you. Three’s a crowd and nothing terrifies men more than approaching a group of women. If you do happen to have two or more women with you, you’ll need to step up and make the first move.
Don’t know any women single women or those who are particularly athletic or adventurous? Well, all the more reason to join a website such as SocialJane.com. Meeting men is certainly important, but having a good set of girlfriends is one of life's necessities!
Yes, dating can be difficult; but meeting men doesn’t have to be. Find a female buddy, pick some fun activities, and go have a good time. Trust me, if you make yourself available, and are actually out having a good time, the men will find you!
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